Sixteen Things You Must Know About Hospitals!

IMG_1522Lennox post surgery for Mast Cells. Thankfully, no cancer!

After a painful and scary night due to major gut pain, nausea, clothes soaking sweats, and over all pitiful whimpering, I ended up in the ER. After three and a half hours of blood work, a CT scan and numerous doctor visits, they deemed my misery significant enough to admit me to the hospital. In my doped up state, I managed to stay awake and aware enough to gather many lessons crucial to a successful hospital stay. Here goes:

  • Unlike on TV, no one will ever run to greet you at the door of the ER.
  • Just because a staff member says “yes” doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.
  • Each nurse and doctor has a different opinion about what’s going on with you, and they are always right.
  • Don’t be that excited when they give you a diagnosis with a fancy name. If “itis” is put at the end of a word, it means they don’t know what it is or how to cure it.
  • Don’t rat out the nurse who tells you how to turn off the “Insidious Beep” button.
  • No matter how good the hospital menu looks, the only edible foods are bananas and peanut butter.
  • Vitals must be taken exactly 5 minutes after you fall asleep or they don’t count.
  • Don’t get a urinary tract infection. Seriously. Just don’t.
  • There’s no way to walk down a hospital corridor as you tug a rolling hanger-thingy that’s carrying three bags of mystery fluid, while wearing a hospital gown with butt cheeks peeking out the slit, and wearing gray socks with sticky bottoms, without looking like you are auditioning for a remake of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”.
  • Sponge baths are good in theory, but don’t ever think that you don’t stink.
  • Always take the wheelchair. Don’t miss your last chance to be a kid again.
  • Texting does not make staff more efficient-but it does make you sad when they pull out their phone to check it while you’re explaining your unbearable pain and misery.
  • Getting to the bathroom with no help is a worthy goal.
  • IV pain medication: The best invention in the history of mankind.
  • Therapy dogs are a good idea, but don’t be fooled. It’s about their treats, not you.
  • Always ask the nurses about their own lives so they like you better.


One thought on “Sixteen Things You Must Know About Hospitals!

  1. Faye

    SOOOOOO much fun to read again! And boy can I relate, having as much hospital experience as I do. You hit the nail right on the head. Except for the bananas – as I recall they were not so hot!


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